I recently watched the movie “The Dilemma,” starring Vince Vaughn and Kevin James. The film is a comedy that chronicles the dilemma Vince Vaughns’s character finds himself in when he discovers his best friend Kevin James’ wife is cheating on Kevin. Vaughn’s character wrestles with the pros and cons of telling his friend about the affair. While I did not find the movie particularly funny, it depicts the dilemma people place themselves in when faced with having to be truthful. Everyone says they dislike lying, yet many people engage in it regularly.
In a Pew Research survey, less than half of the respondents said they thought most people could be trusted (2). Yet when people are asked what character trait they value most in others, they will tell you “honesty.” Many of my clients, especially couples, tell me they often have difficulty being honest. So why is it some people have such a problem with the one charter trait they say they value the most?
Why People Lie
Since most everyone says they value honesty, you might think that lying would be something done on the rarest occasions. While most people do not ly, for some people lying becomes ordinary. Both men and women are guilty of not being honest. As Pierce and Thompson note in their research, “Men typically express more willingness than women to perpetrate fraudulent acts like lying in negotiations. However, women express just as much willingness in some cases. (4)
People even lie to themselves about why they lied. They will say they lie because they do not want to hurt the other person’s feelings. The truth is people lie to protect themselves. They fear the pain and repercussions they will experience when telling the truth. They fear not being liked. Lying is always self-serving. Thomas Sowell said it well.
Compassion Begins With Truth
Some time ago, I agreed to read a book written by someone who attended a talk I gave. Although I agreed with many of the author’s points, I found the writing complicated. Quite frankly, it was unreadable. I wrestled with whether or not to be honest about his writing when he asked. Although I suspected he would not take my criticism well, In the end, I had to be honest.
My suspicions turned out to be correct. When the author later asked me what I thought about his book, I let him know that I agreed with his ideas about the subject he was covering and offered some constructive criticism of the writing and how his ideas could be presented more clearly. He became defensive and told me that his friends said it was well-written. He was not open to my suggestions, and we never spoke again.
Many people I tell this story to feel I should not have been honest and instead just lied and told I enjoyed the book. That would have been the kinder way to respond. The impulse to lie and protect someone’s feelings at that moment is definitely easier, but it is not helpful to either person in the long run. The writer doesn’t get to learn anything and perhaps grow, and I would have to live with avoiding the truth, which is how lies compound themselves.
People Need the Truth
Imagine going to a doctor and being told everything is great and your health is just fine, only to find out several months later you have an inoperable growth that will result in your premature death. Had you known about the change, you could have treated it, and you would not be facing imminent death. The Doctor didn’t want to hurt your feelings, though, so they lied.
Of course, most lies are not life and physical life and death situations, but they all involve the death of a soul. Lies are disrespectful and destroy trust. People often feel like their intelligence is insulted when they are lied to. Lies are selfish. As mentioned above, people claim to protect the other person’s feelings when they lie; in reality, they protect themselves. Moreover, by not being genuine and revealing their actual wants and desires to the world, they are essentially deceiving themselves. This is why psychologist’s like Dr. Jordan Peterson say
Don’t lie about anything, ever. Lying leads to Hell.
Honesty is the Best Policy
In my practice, many of my client’s challenges result from dishonesty. Many people are not only dishonest with others; they are dishonest with themselves. Being honest makes your life easier. There is no need to feel guilty or to keep track of your story. You don’t have to pretend to be someone else or mask part of your personality. You are free to be yourself. Honesty, although sometimes difficult, requires a degree of courage that leads to an inner sense of self-confidence.
Let’s face it it can be challenging to find people who have the courage to be themselves. Many people are so consumed by what others think of them they forget the value of doing the moral and right thing. Courage and authenticity are qualities that others find desirable and will help boost your reputation. The truth is solid, and meaningful relationships demand trust and must be built on a solid foundation.
The LORD detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.
It is assumed these so-called “white lies” are harmless. Lies, however, tend to grow and compound. Although consistent lying can become easier over time, lying is still highly stressful on the body and mind. Just like in the movie, when people lie, it makes things worse. Telling the truth is not only the right thing to do, in the end, it is also easier.
If you are having difficulty communicating and find it necessary to lie, it is time to stop. Lying says more about you than it does about the person you are lying to. Your lies are hiding a part of yourself, which is why it hurts you and the person you lie to.
References
- https://www.pewresearch.org/politics/2019/07/22/americans-struggles-with-truth-accuracy-and-accountability/
- https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2007/02/22/americans-and-social-trust-who-where-and-why/
- https://www.newscientist.com/article/dn20085-the-more-you-lie-the-easier-it-gets/
- Pierce, J. R., & Thompson, L. (2022). Feeling competitiveness or empathy towards negotiation counterparts mitigates sex differences in lying: JBE. Journal of Business Ethics, 178(1), 71-87. doi:https://doi.org/10.1007/s10551-021-04776-6
