Divorce in Therapy
Dealing with divorce in therapy can be a challenging task. Every therapist brings their knowledge, education, training, and insights to the table while engaging in mental health services. To provide the best possible care, a skilled therapist should remain nonjudgmental, patient, and accepting. However, some therapists may unintentionally let their personal experiences and life satisfaction interfere with their treatment and care of their clients, despite their training. Thus, a therapist must monitor their approach and not interject their personal beliefs and values into their client’s treatment and care.
Though sharing personal experiences as a therapist may not always be inappropriate, it’s important to consider the relevant circumstances carefully. When used in the right context, sharing personal experiences can help build a strong therapeutic alliance, which is a vital component for any successful intervention.
My Parents
Although my parents remained together and chose not to divorce, my birth family experience was somewhat unstable. My father was a heavy drinker and would often not come home. The family environment was highly unpredictable resulting in inconsistent discipline and parental warmth. This created significant turmoil and consternation for my mother who would often contemplate divorce. This year they are celebrating 53 years of marriage and my mother still is unsure if she made the right decision by remaining in the highly dysfunctional marriage.
When she was thinking about divorce some counselors encouraged my mother to stay in the marriage others recommended divorcing, and as a result, she never stopped wrestling with the decision. In the end, her decision to remain in the marriage was largely based on her belief that, although there was significant family disruption and stress, keeping the family intact versus disrupting the family unit further through divorce would likely be better for the development of myself and my siblings. Her faith also served to help her bear her cross.
As an adult, I often discuss with my mother our experiences growing up and what her thought processes were at the time. My mother was raised by immigrant parents who came from Italy where family and marriage are strong cultural influences. My mother was also a deeply religious woman and her Catholic faith largely admonishes divorce.
Marriage Counseling
My personal experience comports with much of the literature which asserts that deciding to divorce is a personal value judgment and that there may not be a clear right or wrong answer. Some professionals believe staying in a disruptive marriage for the sake of children is the wrong reason (Schwartz, 2011) and that children can be harmed being raised in a volatile family environment. There is also significant evidence in the research literature showing that divorce has negative consequences for many children (Amato, 2000; Velez, Wolchik, Tein, and Sandler, 2011). Individuals need to deliberate using their own values and cultural perspectives. As a Marriage and Family therapist working with couples facing such distress sharing my own experience can help spouses navigate the arduous process of making such a decision.
I think my experiences growing up in a family that experienced this type of family stress allow me to offer an authentic perspective to clients that I might not otherwise be able to draw from. Moreover, by sharing my own experience without imposing a value inference upon the client couple, not only might the therapeutic alliance be enhanced but the client may experience a sense of not being alone and rather feel like they have someone who truly understands the difficulties they are facing in a real life.
Sharing personal experiences can be a powerful way to connect and offer a sense of understanding and support. As someone who grew up in a family with similar challenges, I believe that I can bring a unique perspective to my work and help clients navigate their own experiences in a compassionate and empathetic way. By sharing my story and listening to theirs, we can work together to create a safe and supportive therapeutic environment that fosters growth and healing not just within a theoretical framework.
References Amato, P.R. (2000) The consequences of divorce for adults and children., Journal of Marriage and Family 62 Retrieved from https://www.frc.org/EF/EF12A22.pdf Schwartz, M. (2011). The wrong reasons for staying married. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shift-mind/201107/the-wrong-reasons- staying-married Vélez, C. E., Wolchik, S. A., Tein, J.-Y., & Sandler, I. (2011). Protecting children from the consequences of divorce: a longitudinal study of the effects of parenting on children’s coping processes. Child Development, 82(1), 244–257. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-8624.2010.01553.x Yoviene, L. (2018). Therapists’ personal lives affect their helping relationships: implications for mentoring. Retrieved from https://www.evidencebasedmentoring.org/therapists-personal- lives-affect-their-helping-relationships/
