Why write to someone if they won’t listen? Writing helps you clarify your thoughts. When you write to someone it can help dampen the emotions that stand in the way of processing facts and viewing circumstances objectively which are often clouded by our emotions. Writing has been shown to have significant therapeutic benefits and new research indicates it can strengthen our immune system
People often assume the purpose of writing to someone they are having difficulties communicating with is pointless. Often my clients will say “There is no point it won’t change anything“. They are probably correct. If you feel that you are not being heard and you seem to just go around in circles with someone, one or both of you are likely suffering from emotional overload.
Emotional overload blocks our ability to think rationally and logically. This is why you should not waste time talking when angry. The emotion of anger blocks the brain’s ability to think cognitively. The same is true of other negative emotions such as sadness, loneliness, jealousy, self-criticism, fear, or rejection. It is important to remember that you or the other person or even both are experiencing emotions that make communicating difficult. For example:
Let’s pretend you talking with someone who is suffering from low self-esteem. They will more than likely perceive everything you say to them through the lens of that negative emotional state. So even if you compliment them, they can hear the compliment but dismiss it. They will dismiss and accuse you of being phony or having an alterior motive for your comment.
Emotions are regarded as ‘lower level’ responses. They first occur in the subcortical areas of the brain such as the amygdala and the ventromedial prefrontal cortices. These areas are responsible for producing biochemical reactions that have a direct impact on your physical state and can disrupt your ability to think clearly.
Here is how writing to the person helps YOU.
- You have something to say
- The person deserves the opportunity to hear your position
- It helps mediate resentment
- It leaves the other person with your perspective without being engaged personally which may allow them to process the situation differently.
When you have something to say and it goes unspoken this will often lead to resentment. You may not feel it at the moment, it often occurs at the subconscious level. This resentment can build and take a toll on other relationships as well as your physical health. Saying what you need to say helps mediate resentment and brings peace of mind.
The other potential benefit of articulating your perspective in writing and sharing it is that the other person may, at some point down the line, when emotions have subsided, have the opportunity to reflect on your thoughts and come to a different understanding than the one their emotions are keeping them locked in. This is why people need to hear your perspective. What they do with it is up to them.
While the central idea behind writing is not meant to convince them of your position it may have that effect.
You might say “Well I have said all that needs to be said I am done” It is worth remembering that whatever you said while emotions are high will be forgotten. All the person will remember is the emotions they experienced at the time. Writing memorializes your thoughts.
